Stop being a boring gay and embrace your individuality

A thought has been nagging me for some time. What makes me gay beyond my sexual attraction to other men? And when I’m not acting on that attraction, is there something else that keeps me gay.

If I take away my attraction for the same sex, I’m pretty much like everyone else just trying to get through the day, to make enough money not just to feel secure but live the consumer dream I’ve been programmed to want. I see gay couples who with their great jobs have gotten married and bought the house in suburbia.

Our sexual attractions have made us standout, we became the minority, but it can’t be the only thing that defines who we are, because when you take away everything else, we’re pretty much the same as everyone else. Does this mean gays have become boring and conservative?

The gay artist David Hockney thinks so. The thing is, he’s both correct and sounding an alarm bell. But just because it’s right doesn’t mean our community has made a mistake, this is after all what the gay rights movement was all about.

The man considered Britain’s greatest living artist sat down in 2015 for David Hockney interview with The Guardian, and spoke of how gay men have become ordinary, a by-product of wanting to fit in.

Hockney was talking about coming of age in the 1960s, of the freedom to smoke and raging against suburbia. He spent those years in bohemia, a tolerant place that accepted everyone’s uniqueness.

So when the reporter asked if gay life has become conservative, his answer sparked a debate in the press. “Yes. I suppose it’s that they want to be ordinary – they want to fit in,” said Hockney in the interview, “Well I don’t care about that. I don’t care about fitting in. Everywhere is so conservative.”

Could those be the words of a 77-year-old lamenting the good old days, or is there a grain of truth in how gay culture in the fight for acceptance gave something up along the way? Not really.
Two things have happened since the 1960s: we gained acceptance and therefore can feel safe to live the mainstream ‘suburban’ dream, and we’ve radically changed western culture.

It is now easier for everyone, however unique, to be treated the same, somewhat. (Yes, the struggle is not over, and alpha male bravado culture has a long way to evolve). That’s really what the gay-rights pioneers fought for, for us to be included as ourselves on our terms.

So kids these days have a much easier time coming out, not only do they have role models, even in pop culture, to help them understand those ‘odd’ desires, but their friends are more likely to accept them. Gay culture became rooted in pop culture, we made being gay mainstream.

Just as our community celebrates sexual diversity, we should also embrace what makes us different, afterall we are not the only movement fighting for equality. The gay rights movement might not have begun if not for the civil rights movement, women’s rights and everyone who resisted oppressive 1950s norms. Our movement was part of a decades old trend for equality, and even today there are those who still want to bring back the 1950s, if not the 1850s.

I would argue that we are a part of a culture, a vanguard in society that pushes the boundaries and sets the trends for years to come. Being accepting of ourselves and our unique identities has opened our eyes and empowered us to see the world from the outside, and try new things. It’s just that those things have become mainstream. Now that it’s okay to be different, the differences almost need to be extreme, otherwise we’re just part of the crowd.

So are we boring and conservative? Well compared to the 1950s, yes. But we’re also sure as hell lucky to be able to act on our sexual attractions, love the partners we do and be happy. And if we’re still not happy, maybe we’re still holding something back, maybe we’re not being completely true to our own uniqueness.

I wear the clothes I do because that’s what has been deemed acceptable, mostly by the people with the loudest voices (those alpha males). Those voices don’t mind that I’m gay, but if I rocked up to work in leather pants (heck even a pair of those ‘leather look’ jeans that are trendy right now), I know I’d be ridiculed. And while the blame falls to me because I’m holding back my true self, I don’t know if I actually want to be put on the spot.

Let’s be honest, not everyone wants to standout, either society has conditioned us not to be unique or this speaks to a basic instinct to follow the herd. For a few individuals, being different comes naturally, while the rest of us would prefer to get on with our day. There will always be singular individuals like Oscar Wilde, Quentin Crisp or Johnny Weir, individuals that want to standout, and we need them as much as we need bohemia. We need those outsiders to push the boundaries so we can truly be free. It’s not long ago that being gay meant being an outsider; we shouldn’t lose sight of that.